Due to the success of The True Story Of Christmas I decided a couple months back to do one for the pointless holiday know as Easter, or as I like to call it Zombie Jesus Day. (Thanks to Cyanide & Happiness.) Unless you are one of those moronic people that believe the Bible to be fact, the only purpose of Easter is to stuff your faces with chocolate eggs, not even half of the people that refer to themselves as Christians even give a shit about what this day is supposedly about. Oh well who gives a shit about that Biblical tosh anyway, we all know you’re here for my interpretation of it.
Well this Dawn Of The Deity story begins with Good Friday or as I lovingly call it – Jesus got P0wn3d Day!!1! I have never really understood why Church Fags* call it Good Friday, as I understand it, there wasn’t a particular lot of good going on for anyone. Unless you are Judas of course because then you are in teh moneyz. I like to think of this story much like a computer game. As my name for this day suggests, this is the day that Jesus dies. Jesus was betrayed by his close friend Judas, Jesus decided to not boot Judas from the Earth and forgive him instead, and upon Jesus death a big cross appeared above his head, much like in Halo 3. Now from what I have determined from films and pictures, Jesus must have been playing a capture the hill game against the Romans as most of the dying seems to happening on the hill, I think it is safe to say the Romans owned.
Our story picks up again 2 days later on Easter Sunday, A.K.A. Zombie Jesus Day. Now unfortunately 2,000 years ago technology wasn’t as advanced and there were fewer servers around. Because of this there was tremendous lag, this meant that it took a whole 2 days for Jesus to respawn. Jesus goes to re-group with his team mates. Now unfortunately my Biblical knowledge on what happens now in the Bible is non-existent due to the fact that I realised it was a load of bollocks when I was about 9. Maybe he went and tried to reclaim the hill, maybe he went to betray Judas and tea-bag him or maybe he just went to dick about in a Hog.
The next day comes and as it is the day after Easter Sunday some imaginative sought at the Church came up with the name Easter Monday. Being fair though even I had trouble naming this day so I think I will call it “End Game”. On this day the great host in the sky, or God as some know him, decided to end the game and Jesus was returned to the big matchmaking lobby in the sky.
Well I hope you have enjoyed another interpretation of a Biblical event by yours truly. I feel that I should credit Tom Rush for a conversation we had quite a while back on the matter and thanks to Cyanide & Happiness for the original idea.
*Church fags was the response I got from Josh when I asked for a collective term to describe Catholic fucktards and Christian morons. I mean it’s despicable how un politically correct that is. Josh you should be ashamed.