Happy Zombie Jesus Day
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Easter, Halo 3, Josh, Tom Rush, Zombie Jesus Day on March 23, 2008 by clarkykestrel
Due to the success of The True Story Of Christmas I decided a couple months back to do one for the pointless holiday know as Easter, or as I like to call it Zombie Jesus Day. (Thanks to Cyanide & Happiness.) Unless you are one of those moronic people that believe the Bible to be fact, the only purpose of Easter is to stuff your faces with chocolate eggs, not even half of the people that refer to themselves as Christians even give a shit about what this day is supposedly about. Oh well who gives a shit about that Biblical tosh anyway, we all know you’re here for my interpretation of it.
Well this Dawn Of The Deity story begins with Good Friday or as I lovingly call it – Jesus got P0wn3d Day!!1! I have never really understood why Church Fags* call it Good Friday, as I understand it, there wasn’t a particular lot of good going on for anyone. Unless you are Judas of course because then you are in teh moneyz. I like to think of this story much like a computer game. As my name for this day suggests, this is the day that Jesus dies. Jesus was betrayed by his close friend Judas, Jesus decided to not boot Judas from the Earth and forgive him instead, and upon Jesus death a big cross appeared above his head, much like in Halo 3. Now from what I have determined from films and pictures, Jesus must have been playing a capture the hill game against the Romans as most of the dying seems to happening on the hill, I think it is safe to say the Romans owned.
Our story picks up again 2 days later on Easter Sunday, A.K.A. Zombie Jesus Day. Now unfortunately 2,000 years ago technology wasn’t as advanced and there were fewer servers around. Because of this there was tremendous lag, this meant that it took a whole 2 days for Jesus to respawn. Jesus goes to re-group with his team mates. Now unfortunately my Biblical knowledge on what happens now in the Bible is non-existent due to the fact that I realised it was a load of bollocks when I was about 9. Maybe he went and tried to reclaim the hill, maybe he went to betray Judas and tea-bag him or maybe he just went to dick about in a Hog.
The next day comes and as it is the day after Easter Sunday some imaginative sought at the Church came up with the name Easter Monday. Being fair though even I had trouble naming this day so I think I will call it “End Game”. On this day the great host in the sky, or God as some know him, decided to end the game and Jesus was returned to the big matchmaking lobby in the sky.
Well I hope you have enjoyed another interpretation of a Biblical event by yours truly. I feel that I should credit Tom Rush for a conversation we had quite a while back on the matter and thanks to Cyanide & Happiness for the original idea.
*Church fags was the response I got from Josh when I asked for a collective term to describe Catholic fucktards and Christian morons. I mean it’s despicable how un politically correct that is. Josh you should be ashamed.
Post Writing Lag
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Enter Shikari, Gigs, Josh, Lack of posts, Laura, Lost, Sods Law, Tattoo on February 21, 2008 by clarkykestrelThe frequencies of my posts lately has been quite poor. I blame this on two things; firstly I find my self being engaged in more social events and I am therefore in front of my computer killing time less, secondly I blame this on the fact I haven’t got much to ramble and complain about. Damn my hide to Hell for being happy!
Due to the fact I have been writing less I have missed out on writing some humorous stories in blog form. One such story being that I got a new phone and my mum saying to me “You better not lose this in the next 2 weeks or something” and me replying “I won’t, I have never lost a phone before”. Then 6 days passed and I went to see 30 Seconds To Mars and sometime between the beginning of 30STM’s first song and then end of it I had managed to lose it already. Sods law at work again. I must take this moment though to commend Vodafone on their excellent customer service and by 18:00 the next day I had a replacement phone and sim card.
The key factor in me writing less frequently would be Laura. I find myself spending a lot of my time with her. She seems to come around mine at least twice a week and we see each other more when we can. At the moment I am very happy with her and I hope it stays that way for a long time to come. On Monday I went with her to get her tattoo which actually annoyed me because she beat me to getting one. *throws a sulk* She had a vine of ivy done around her wrist and while I was there the guy told me if I come in with a picture of what I want my tattoo to look like he will knock up a design. So hopefully will be doing that shortly. Me and laura have been back together a month already and a great month it has been. I do realise most of my readers that I know of truly don’t give a shit about affairs of the heart so I shall stop that now. Anyway any complaints about the rareness of my posts can be forwarded to: Laura Glennon.
Right now I have to think of something to write about Josh so his name in the tag cloud isn’t going to lose out to Laura’s. Ah got something, my plans for tomorrow are to go around Josh’s house and watch the 3rd episode of lost Season 3. Friday I am spending the evening with Laura as it’s one month on and all that, Sunday I am going to see Enter Shikari which is going to be crazy, I am probably going to be a bit battered on Monday. Saturday is reserved for all the coursework I have procrastinated doing thus far.
LANdersonshatch II
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Babb, Josh, LAN party, LANdersonshatch, Matt Browne, Maxwell on February 19, 2008 by clarkykestrel
This post has been sitting in my mental in-pile for a over a week now and will now seem long over due. Last Friday, the 8th of February a great event in the world of gaming occurred, LANdersonshatch II. You see we were given the day off college due to the fact that open evening was the night before and it gave the teachers the chance to have a lie in. So in the early hours of Friday morning whilst partaking in some Halo 3, an idea was formed. This was the second LAN party event to be held by my good friend Josh, AKA Andersonshatch. (Although the first event didn’t actually have a name and last weeks event didn’t even have a name until we were in Browne’s car on the way to Josh’s.)
The day started off with a huge revelation to me…
My bag is designed for LAN parties.
The dimension of my bag almost exactly equal the dimensions of an Xbox360 + accessories (Power brick included), this meant I had enough room for all my essential gaming bits, yet my Xbox360 was safe and snug. When we initially arrived at Josh’s house it was just me, him and Browne there. I have been to Josh’s many times now, but each time I go it is more and more apparent that his house is a geek’s paradise and is the ideal place to host a LAN party. Gaming commenced with Gears of War and while Browne and Josh played in the living room I was in the cinema/gaming room and we kept in tough with each other via phones that Josh had set up for conference call, whilst having music played into both rooms from Josh’s computer.
After I P0wn3d on Gears we went into Josh’s beautiful garden and partook in some trampolining, this was actually my first time on a trampoline which I didn’t think was that big of a deal but Josh and Matt clearly did. After mucking about on the trampoline for a while and breaking every safety regulation for use on the trampoline, the Babb-mobile showed up containing both Babbage himself and Twatwell (Complete with packed lunch prepaired by his girlfriend). With the arrival of these two we got on to doing what we do best, playing Halo. However as a consequence of us doing this we have to put up with what Maxwell doing what he does best, being a complete and utter twat.
For the next few hours time was spent trampolining, getting my arse handed by Browne on guitar hero, trampolining, Babb enraging my girlfriend, trampolining and the epic last level of Halo:CE oh yes and eating pizza. Maxwell most likely regretted moaning about the bit of meat that had fallen on to his slice of pizza due to the mocking from us that pursued about every vegetable on our slices of pizza. Then it came time for Maxwell to leave and this was met with rejoicing and merriment. That sounds a bit harsh but the best parts of the evening did all happen after he departed.
The hilarity really started when Josh introduced us to the speech recognition system on his laptop. At first we were amazed by this brilliant piece of technology, then we realised it can’t understand jack-shit. So we just talked away at it and saw what interesting sentences it could make up. It seems to have particular problems with the word “Batman”, Browne has a particularly dodgy looking video of me after half an hour or so on the laptop. Then after Babb and myself were prohibited from the use of the speech recognition system, we went on to play Crysis across 2 laptops. While seeing the amazing graphics of Crysis on Josh’s laptop and some, erm, interesting graphics on Browne’s Josh was bestowed with an idea; Laptop + Crysis + VGA cable + 50″ Plasma HDTV = Sheer Awesomeness
Amazingly purty is all I have to say on the matter. We finished off the evening rather lazily watching Browne play through portal and gulp down Penguins. Then we journeyed home playing music loudly in Browne’s car just to stop him falling asleep. For a LAN party very little gaming actually occurred but regardless it was one of the greatest days I have had, I eagerly anticipate LANdersonshatch III.
P.S. BTW Babb Laura says she is going too punch you next time she sees you, be careful my friend.
Crazy Foooool!
Posted in Uncategorized with tags 30 Seconds To Mars, Babb, Enter Shikari, Gigs, Happy, Josh, Laura on February 5, 2008 by clarkykestrelHello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and Babb. Hope all is well with you all. I couldn’t think of a good title so I picked something that describes my current attitude. Some of you, such as Josh, shall be able to picture me saying this as I do so well.
The reason for my weird mood is unknown. Maybe it’s something to do with this weird thing called “being happy” that I am told you can experience. I know some of you aren’t her biggest fans, but I am very happy with Laura. I some of you won’t be very fond of her because of stuff I have previously written in this blog and also due to the fact that you are awesome friends and are looking out for me. I should really stop talking about Laura in my blog, as Josh frequently reminds me I talk about her much more and that Tag Cloud over there –> will consume the world.
Right on to talking about other comings and goings in the life of The Rambling Grumpy Adolescent. Tomorrow I am going to see 30 Seconds To Mars. I haven’t been to a gig in bloody ages now so it will be nice to get back into the swing of things. Get myself prepared for Enter Shikari on the 24th. Good times will be had. I am not liking the fact that the 24th happens to be the last day of half-term and I am going to have to drag my arse into college when I am surely going to be a bit beaten and bruised.
I had an interesting phone call from Babb the other day. The gist of the conversation was that he gave me a number to ring and then I go to this persons house on Thursday with him, when I am at this house I will spend the evening drinking beer and I get paid £40 for it. Ah market research, it’s a tough job but someone has to do it.
Right I believe I have rambled on sufficient amounts now. Just one thing left to say… 3 day weekend WOOT!
