Archive for Christmas

The True Story of Christmas

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on December 31, 2007 by clarkykestrel

I meant to write this post back on Christmas day but time has slipped away from me and it’s New Years tomorrow so I will have to post this up before it loses all relevance. Anyway in the time leading up to Christmas I was thinking about how I am going too celebrate Christmas when I am older with my own family. I’m an atheist and wouldn’t feel right telling my kids that we celebrate Christmas because it is when the baby Jesus was born. This got me thinking if the bible can say that a virgin gave birth to the son of God and millions of people believe it, I can make up some equal amount of bollocks and get away with it.

Firstly Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Father Christmas (Not Santa, because we are British). Many, many years ago Father Christmas’ parents, Grandfather Christmas and Grandmother Christmas rode from Nazareth to the North Pole upon a sleigh. When they got to the North Pole the problem wasn’t that there was no room at the inn, the problem was there aren’t any bloody inns at the North Pole, fortunately though Grandfather and Grandmother Christmas came across a stable that was home to the Easter Bunny and a bunch of reindeer. Grandmother Christmas went into labour in that very stable and gave birth to not just one child but 2, twin boys in fact and a star appeared in the sky over the stable they were born in. What Grandfather and Grandmother Christmas didn’t know though was that one of these boys was PURE EVIL. These two children would grow up to become Father Christmas and Blackbeard the pirate.

Meanwhile many miles away in America 3 CEO’s of multinational billion dollar corporations noticed this star appear in the sky. The 3 CEO’s consulted with there many advisors, board members and assistants and learnt that this star in the sky was the sign that a great man had been born. This man would bring profits and new marketing angles to their companies. The 3 CEO’s decided that because this great man was going to bring them such great profits for years to come that they should lavish him with gifts. After a dangerous gruelling trek to the North Pole (or one Private jet flight) the 3 CEO’s arrived at the stable containing Grandfather Christmas, Grandmother Christmas, Father Christmas, Blackbeard, The Easter Bunny and a shit load of Reindeer.

The CEO of Hallmark presented Father Christmas with gold and stated “I present this gold to you for you to spend in any country in the world in return for all the Christmas card sales I am going to make in honour of your birthday.”
The CEO of Mattel then stepped forward and presented little baby Father Christmas with Francs and Cents. “This currency is for you to spend in the countries of America and France, as long as they don’t change their currency to some new continent wide currency, but I am sure that will never happen. I am presenting this gift to you as a thank you for all the profits you will bring me in exchange for me getting Philippine children to make shitty plastic toys.”
The CEO of Bernard Matthews then stepped forward and gave to Father Christmas MUR. (Now I should probably explain that MUR are shares in Murphy Oil Corporation) The 3rd CEO then spoke “I present these shares to you because in the future oil will be one of the most expensive substances on the Earth and it is my gift to you in exchange for all the turkeys I am going to sell at this time of year.”
The Easter Bunny then presented Father Christmas with his prize Reindeer and said “I give you my best Reindeer Rudolph as a gift to you so you will always remember me. Rudolph is a very unique Reindeer as he once inhaled a torch up his nostrils and now his nose glows red where ever he goes.”

Then Blackbeard stole all the presents and sailed of in a ship, well all the presents except Rudolph but why the hell would he want that stinky bastard.
The End.

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Bah, Sherbet Lemons

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on December 23, 2007 by clarkykestrel

Christmas is fast approaching, tomorrow will be Christmas Eve, I suppose I really should start my Christmas shopping. Today is the first day I haven’t seen my friends this holiday, unless you count Matt (Browne) this morning in Sainsburys who looked like he was ready to just walk out of his job, and I am so bored already.

For yet another year one of those twats off X Factor got the Christmas No.1, it makes me feel stupid for not realising at a much younger age then I did that the success of something in the chart has absolutely fuck all to do with had good a song it is. This leads me nicely on to something I realised today, out of all the Christmas songs there are that get played to death at this time of the year there is only one that is remotely accurate. Christmas isn’t about sleighs, or fat jolly men climbing down the chimney and when was the last time it actually snowed at Christmas. In my opinion the song that best represents Christmas in my opinion (“IMO” – For Josh) is “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues. You may ask why I think this best represents Christmas and basically it’s because it is about people being drunk and arguing with each other, and isn’t that truly what Christmas is all about.

I had a bloody good time last night at Matt (Cousins this time) & Lily’s party. The theme of the party was “Music” and as Matt put it best you could “come as your hero! or maybe a drum?” There were some awesome costumes including all 4 members of Kiss, Slash, Freddy Mercury, The Ghost of Pavarotti and a very memorable Peter Browne as Britney Spears. I really hope some one got a picture of Peter. I am not entirely sure wether I made a prat out of myself or I was just more outgoing then usual. Oh well a thoroughly awesome time was had so I don’t care either way.

Well I wish you all a Shitty Christmas and a Crappy New Year. But seriously I hope you all have a good time and as it is the season of giving I will post links to some of my friends blogs like I have been meaning to for a while. (Probably going to be quite pointless because you lot are pretty much the only people that read this.)

Josh – Josh Anderson’s Weblog

Matt (Browne) – Hotstuph’s Weblog

Ben – The Video Games ate My Baby!

Oli – Teenage Politics

Sara – Inside an Abused Mind

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‘Tis the Season to be grumpy

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on December 20, 2007 by clarkykestrel

Today was the last day of college before that oh so joyous (my arse) day we call Christmas. People often say to me “How can you hate Christmas? You get to spend time with your family and it is really cheery and cheesy.” That precisely there, is why I hate Christmas. It’s horrible trapped in the house for at least a few days with my mother. Maybe I would enjoy it more if I had more of a family but as I don’t we will never know.

In my younger years Christmas would have started off at my house with my mum and at some point mid morning would have migrated over to my grandparents house for Christmas dinner, catching up with my great-uncle & great-aunties and general festive merriment. Now it is 2007, My Grandfather and one of my great-aunties passed on many years ago, then just a few months ago my remaining great-auntie and great-uncle have also passed away, my Nan is still with us though thankfully, in the physical sense anyway but is currently incarcerated in a building that seems to have been created by the same architect that came up with the hotel in the shinning. (I’ll get back to that later) So this Christmas around the dinner table will sit; me and my mother. You have no idea how pathetic it seems when it comes to cracker pulling.

Today after being released from Strodes till I am forced to return on the 6th of January, a few things happened. First thing to happen was I vowed to have my revenge upon David-Fucking-Ginger-Fucktard-Faulkner, he informed my business teacher that we had to attend her lesson even though she thought the college day finished before her lesson began, then he fucks off home why we go to business. After this a few of my friends and I went to relax and de-stress in the best way there is… with beer. Then after this we went had a meal and I had many laughs and a bloody good day, despite Maxwell being a right annoying and rude prick at times. (I am truly amazed it has taken this long for me to complain about him in some way in my blog)

Then I had to leave my friends as today my Nan got moved from hospital and into a new nursing home, so me and my Mum went to visit her and see how she was settling in. This place is without a doubt the most scariest place I have been in my life. It is the perfect seen for a horror film. It’s bleak and dark inside, it made me think of a hospital that could have been last used in the 1930’s, and I suppose considering the buildings current use it well could of been an old hospital. The corridors in this building seem to stretch out forever without an end ever coming into site and as you walk down these endless corridors you are greeted with a variety of moans and groans as you pass various doors. At one stage on our expedition through the corridors of the Nursing Home we passed a kitchen and I looked through the door and there is a chef standing there staring at me with a huge-fuck-off knife in his hands. This did not help with me finding this place bloody terrifying. What also didn’t help that in half of the rooms patients seemed to be strapped to the bed and in every room there are contraptions (which I can only assume are as close to chains as NHS inspectors allow) hanging from the ceiling. I later found out these contraptions are because the nurses aren’t allowed to lift patients out of bed as it is against health and safety. Lazy Fucks.

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